Silent Thoughts; Loud Actions.

What do you hear when the world goes quiet? Often, I forget to allow myself to slow down. But when I do I find myself listening to my heartbeat and my breath, the fan blades rotating on the ceiling and the cars driving down the street. Observing each and every movement, down to the muscle and bone. I hear and feel so much in the silence. I gain a lot of peace by just… Shutting up and being present. How simply refreshing it feels to wake up in the morning and play music instead of the TV. Wearing my husband’s sweatpants and an oversized hoodie with my hair up in a messy bun with coffee in hand is something I’ve wanted to do and I’ve pinned a million times because the concept of it is the epitome of what I want in life. What it represents: true and utter happiness. The girls in those pictures seem comfortable in their clothes, their skin, their relationships, careers and their lives. They look at peace with their lives, despite the lack of luxurious, lavish, overcompensating homes, things and backgrounds. You know the pictures… they usually have this little house with a back woods view. They’re comfortable being alone. They don’t need the buzz of the cities and the clubs. There’s this implication that they’re happy although they are not rich. They’re perfectly happy in their tiny little house, in the middle of nowhere, with their partner, their dog and their coffee… And all that comes with it. So content. I know plenty of other girls who also love those style of pictures, sharing them on Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. Yet none of them are living that life, nor are they that happy. How do we, as a society, get back to basics? How do we allow ourselves to be truly happy? As an American, I have fallen prey to the “normalcy” of waking up early, rushing to work, busting my ass for a company who pays me much less than I deserve. Just to turn around and stress out about this bill or that unforseen event. I struggle with the idea of going to the doctor because I have no insurance. Or even buying name brand groceries because they’re two dollars more expensive. When did this happen?! I used to be content reading a book in a tree I had climbed, half of the time getting in trouble for having been told too many times to come to lunch. But I just HAD to finish that chapter!! It was the simple things in life that brought me joy. Life and adulthood have changed me in more ways than I could have ever prepared for…and annihilated any shred of innocence I had. Now I’m another jaded adult who can never be happy unless I check off all my goals: 

  • Graduate highschool
  • Get a degree
  • Get a good paying job with said degree (pfft, yeah right) 
  • Get married 
  • Have some babies 
  • Retire 

But surprisingly, each time a goal is checked off I never find myself any happier. I graduated highschool just to stress over college admissions. I graduated college just to stress over finding a job and getting my foot in the door. I got a job just to discover healthcare is a joke and nurses are completely undervalued and treated/paid like crap. I actually ended up getting put on Xanax and went part time. Just to then worry about how my wedding was getting paid for, because my family is poor. I got married to my best friend and he even took me to Italy! Just to come home and realize that my sister had gotten herself pregnant (she’s so not ready) and is going to require all my family’s support to be able to adequately raise this child. So now, my own pregnancy must be rescheduled because I’m not willing to give up my mom feeling needed. Not only that but because I am who I am, I don’t want to make my mom feel like I need her to help me raise a baby (I don’t) when all I’m really trying to do is include her. So now, here I am with 3/5 of my goals list having been accomplished at 26 years old and somehow I feel worse than I did when the list was written. I have cried more tears than I could even count. How does that work? Because we’re not allowing ourselves to tap into that childish innocence we once exuded with every breath and movement. We need to relearn how to tap into our inner child resilience, how to relax and disconnect. Get excited about simple things. Turn the TV off. Turn your phone off. Put on some music, drink some coffee (or wine) and dance with your significant other. Get goofy. Not just around the kids! Research shows the more you think about something, the more you basically Pavlov your brain into thinking it’s important info that needs to be stored in your long term memory. Take back that control. Think about what you have in front of you. The people or the luxuries you’re glad to have in your life. Be grateful. Obsess over your stressors less. Rewire your brain to be happy. Tap into your innocence and enjoy life for the experience it is. None of us are getting out alive, so you mind as well enjoy it while it lasts. We need to manifest our own realities. My life is mine, and I’m taking it back. #TakeBackYourHappiness