Growing up, nothing came easily to me and life in general was no exception. I encountered multiple instances of sexual, physical and emotional abuse that left their scars on me. I bear those scars proudly as an adult who broke the cycle and came out stronger for it. I took control and created my own reality, my own future. That being said, I’m human and there are days that it is easier (in some weird way) to let my bipolar take control. Being consistently aware and conscious of my words, thoughts and actions can be exhausting.
Six years ago, I met my best friend. He was brunette, bearded, Mensa Society smart, a pilot and owned a motorcycle. But there was a gentle, kind and innocent part of him that I wanted to get to know. Little did I know that precisely that aspect of his personality would be my saving grace.
He was twenty three and I was twenty one living in a college town. We spent the first three years of our relationship being wildly in love, spontaneous and obviously drunk. I’ve watched my husband grow and mature and quite frankly, turn into an amazing man. He has seen me at my lowest points and has shared every moment of my happiness over the last six years.
Through nursing school, bipolar, going off my meds, trying to quit smoking, suicidal thoughts, countless family dramas and every fight with my best friend, my husband has been there to wipe my tears and encourage me through it all. He was there smiling when I graduated with my BSN and ensuring me every job interview I had was going to work out and that I don’t give myself enough credit. He brings me ice cream when I’m on my period and makes me coffee and tells me to sit and relax when I get manic and just can’t stop cleaning the house. The massages… They’re endless. When he married me, he surprised me with a honeymoon in Italy because he knew it was always my dream. I know millions, if not billions of women who would kill to have significant others like mine. But nothing is ever perfect, right?
See, I have this incredible husband. People envy me and judge me when I complain about him. But what they don’t know is that getting him to have sex is like pulling teeth. Over the last three years, we’ve had countless fights about how to do better, how to compromise, figure out what the issues are and deal with them head on. And three years later, we’re still having sex only once every few months at best. (Although, we have recently implemented a schedule, if you will.)
I’ve spent many nights crying, wondering what it was about me. What did I do wrong? Am I trying too hard? Have my looks gone that far down the rabbit hole? Is there someone else? Is he watching porn? That last one is always the one that causes problems.
I still struggle with this frequently, but I’m getting better. I finally realized that no matter how sexual of a being I am, I’m willing to sacrifice it all for him. I don’t deserve him. I would move heaven and earth to keep the honor of being his wife. If I have to please myself to meet my needs, I will. I have to accept that my husband is going to watch porn. But I and I alone am the one comparing myself to the women he watches, creating all these insecurities in my mind. He doesn’t intend to make me feel any particular way, he’s just a man doing what men do. At the end of the day, he’s coming home to me to share every moment and emotion with me. I’m the one he trusts with his heart.
Ladies, we have to stop beating ourselves up. We are raised to aspire to beauty, marriage and children and the last two are dependent on the first. We make a choice to implement that ideology into our lives. We are all beautiful and our men chose us to be in their lives for a reason. We have to remember to be grateful – it’s so easy to focus on what’s wrong or missing that we can forget to appreciate the little things, those precious moments with our partners. If we trust, respect, encourage and support and honor our wo(men), they will treat us like queens. And if not, then kick that mother fucker to the curb, cuz girl, you deserve a (wo)man who knows how to love and respect a woman!
Nothing worth having ever comes easy. You gotta make the choice and put in the effort every. single. day.