When You Go Down the Rabbit Hole…

Man, life really can bring you down. It’s hard out there, we all feel it. The pressure, the stress, the struggle and all the feels that come with it. My best friend and I both suffer from bipolar. Scratch that, my best friend and I have made loads of progress, but those in our lives often suffer from our bipolar. On an average day, we’re in control and completely functional; thank you, mania. But all good things must come to an end, it’s the natural cycle right? What happens when your body can’t handle it anymore and you find yourself depressed? When I get to that place, I find it difficult to muster any fucks. I have no motivation to eat, pee, bathe, let alone clean the house or go to work. The universe, my life, my family and friends, everything… Just… I begin to feel like I’m in a sinking ship. I literally feel the heaviness in my chest. I feel the hopelessness, the doubt, the self loathing and I look the disappointment from those I love dead in the face, ready to give up. Today is not one of those days for me. But for my best friend, it is. It’s hard being on the outside. I know where she’s at, the thoughts and feelings she’s battling. I also know that nothing I say or do is going to make an immediate difference. I struggle with the idea of being a sideline supporter. It feels like a cop out. Like I’m doing my best friend a disservice. Now, of course I’m helping her with her kids and allowing her to feel all the feels, including the lack of feels. And that’s all fine and great later down the road when she sees I stuck around and made sure she was safe and well, while allowing her to be human. But in the heat of the moment, I feel like I’m failing her. I just want to be able to fix it. All of it. We struggle so hard to find this thing called balance – but one must realize their first mistake was searching. We want this instant gratification. Nothing worth having is ever easy, and the easy way out is almost never as rewarding as one would hope. These moments of vulnerability in our marriages, our familial relationships, our day to day lives test us and mold us into who we were always meant to become. They are important. Be vulnerable and allow yourself to experience what it means to be a human. Flaws and all. Because you are exactly where and who you were meant to be at this time.